September 1, 2005 ________________________________________ subdued transition

writings: (from August)

- Untitled (what if what I know...)
- Angry
- (hard lines)
- Take My Picture
- She Boards the Plane
- Taking Care
- the What-If's
- the Bolt
- zero

subdued transition

It's happening - this change, this breathing of new air. And I am one step behind watching the fall, the implosion, of once solid structures turned crumbling and vacant skeletons. After the fall comes the clean-up. Searching the dust and the debris for salvage. I'm not looking to rebuild anew. I'm just looking.

Have you ever reached a point in your life where you're looking around at your existence, however humble or devestated, and you can't figure out how you got there? There is no negative implication here. I'm just looking around, soaking up the sunlight during the day, the moonlight at night, asking questions and thinking. It's amazing what lengths we will go to NOT think. But allowing myself to think is a certain kind of freedom, the mind breathing as opposed to holding its breath. It's hard to push past fear, and shame, and paranoia, because we are told these are "bad," when really these are just feelings.

I say "subdued transition" because in all my effort to Think I still face barriers resistant to change. I know my mind is changing, my LIFE is changing, but I'd organized it in such a way as to protect myself, and that organization was working for me. But now it isn't, and I'm clinging to the static between old and new.

contact : casey@soulsmiles.com