August 25, 2004 + feeling philosophical

The end of summer always feels like a transition period. A transition to school, to fall then winter, to letting go of an easygoing, summer existence. School starts August 31st. And in that sentence my summer now has an ending, a finality to the one and only summer of 2004. Not that I am overly fond of summer, but the changing seasons mean time is going by, maybe even that time is running out, but what is it counting down to? That, I do not know.

I've never been one to think of the future, to imagine myself outside of "right now." The future has always been a scary place to me, its unknowns overwhelm me. People have gone from asking me what I want to do in the future, what career do I want to pursue, to when I think I'll be done with school. My answer has always been "I don't know," and that's the most honest answer I can give. My life, my focus, is different than my peers. While they're out doing the things that 25-year-olds do I'm here getting by, figuring shit out. I'm fortunate to be able to do that, that my mom and sister are supportive of my need to do this. I've been to the point of not functioning in this world; physically, mentally, and emotionally, and for me to not go back there I have to be here, at this place in my life, searching for my truth, my identity. Which means I'm not doing what the average 25-year-old is "supposed" to be doing. There are days I'm ok with that, and days when I destroy myself for failing to be whoever I was supposed to be.

I'm feeling particularly introverted right now because I haven't had therapy in two weeks, so don't expect this kind of inner revelation in future updates. If you've read this far - if there's a god may she bless you!


I was recently overcome with a bout of boredom that led to some crazy behavior, of which I've documented in pictures for you to laugh at. To me boredom is more a state of mind than an actual event. It speaks more to how I was feeling at the time than to me thinking I had nothing to do. Having said that, please proceed to the Gallery titled Jumping on the Bed as an Adult.



Every two years I plop myself in front of the tv for two weeks and watch everything Olympic related. That's what I do, that's what I've done, and that's what I will continue to do. Watching the Olympics is very sentimental to me. I can remember watching them with my dad when I was a kid. He loved track and field. We watched Carl Lewis and Jackie Joyner-Kersey rise to glory, and Janet Evans and Greg Louganis. So when I watch I feel like I'm keeping that memory alive somewhere inside me.

My favorite events have been women's soccer (of course), women's volleyball - both indoor and beach, judo, track and field - specifically throwing events, and cycling. There have been some sports that cause me to laugh. Such as badminton. When I think of badminton I think of Individual Sports Gym class in high school, and of course the word "shuttlecock" always gives me a chuckle. Another funny sport is handball. It's a combination of basketball, soccer, and hockey. I imagine the average handball athlete to be a failure at basketball, soccer, and/or hockey. Last night my sister and I watched a bit of synchronized swimming. It's like figure skating in water, and upside down at times, or better yet, it's like cheerleading in water. I really didn't get it. How does one become a synchronized swimmer? Are there clubs? Of course, I do realize the strength and endurance it takes to hold oneself upside down under water for extended lengths of time while having to control the verticality of the legs. I'm really not being sarcastic when I say that.

Sadly, the Olympics must come to an end. Although, I must admit I'm getting a little Olympic'd out and am really looking forward to the new fall tv season. TV is what I do, it's what I know, this time of year always gets me excited.

I can't let this little Olympic shpeel go on without bitching about a couple of things. First of all, I hate that news channels such as Fox News, CNN, and even MSNBC, tell the results before NBC shows them. I found out about the gymnastics all-around gold medals before I watched them, and a few of Michael Phelps gold medals too. I was PISSED. Then, I went to check the tv schedule on the NBC Olympics website and they had results on the goddamn front page of the site. Why would anyone want to watch if they find out before NBC shows it? I almost didn't watch on the sheer principal of the situation.

Second, I hate Bob Costas. I say that at least three or four times a night during the broadcast. He's such a dick! He has this high and mighty, condescending, arrogant newscaster thing going. I've hated him for a very long time. I think he has short man's complex, he's like 5 foot 3. He has horrible jokes, asks loaded and spiteful questions, and is a general cocky prick. Just ask my sister how many times I say "I hate Bob Costas!"

Never ever ever ever did I think I'd be a gym rat. That I'd spend more than an hour working out. That I'd start running! Running!! I still can't believe that I'm running by choice. It blows my mind. Running has always been a source of pain and spite for me. My parents were/are runners, so parts of my childhood were spent on the sidelines of races, in running stores, and hating all things running related. When I played soccer we had to run every day. We would run a lap around the fields before practice, and I was always last in line, always huffing and puffing way more than anyone else, and I hated every second of it. And now, here I am, running outside and on the treadmill, and actually enjoying it. The difference is my attitude. Before, I felt like I was racing something, that I had to be good or I was a failure. But now, I run at my own pace, I don't race anything, I just do it. I don't care how fast I go, or how far I go, I just go.