January 15, 2005 + beginning of the end

Take a deep breath with me now - December is over. I hope each and every one of you had a splendid holiday season, and welcome to 2005. Christmas has proved in the past to be an anxiety-ridden time for me, so my goal was just to get through the month. Life is getting back to normal now - back to therapy, back to school, back to cooking.


The proverbial childhood question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" has loomed above my head from adolescence to adulthood. As a child I made up future occupations to stifle the probing question. But as an adult, choosing a future on a whim has become a struggle. The following essay explores my attempts at establishing a career/future for myself, and the subsequent failures. The writing was difficult because I was really forcing myself to face some truths about myself I've not wanted to see, but as a result I've come to love the essay.

> Counterfeit Lofty Dreams

It's official, I'm graduating in May. After years of avoiding the end of my undergraduate career it is upon me in a mere four months. I'm avoiding any emotions I have related to the end, other than a slight freaking out. Right now, it's just a date looming ahead of me, but in the coming months I've no doubt my feelings will come to light.

I actually started my final semester on Tuesday. Early American Literature and Women Writing Autobiography are the final two classes rounding out my bid for a college degree. The lit. class is going to kick my ass. It covers 1620 - 1820, and is described by the professor as an interdisciplinary course involving literature, history, and religion. I'm quite fascinated by the course, but it's going to be a lot of work. The other class, Women Writing Autobiography, is a Women's Studies class, but also a writing class which I was pleasantly surprised to discover. There are five other women in the class, all Women's Studies major, therefore I would describe them as hardcore feminists and/or lesbians. Which, obviously, I don't have a problem with, but their zeal for feminism is intimidating.


As I mentioned earlier, Christmas is usually mentally hectic, which isn't to say I didn't have a lovely experience with my family. I know I get anxiety, but I was definitely looking forward to spending time with my family. My sister and I met a lot of new members of our family as well - my dad's new wife and her daughter, and two new baby cousins.

Things were going smoothly and my plan to make it through the trip had heeded no roadblocks, until we ended up at the Memphis airport with no flight home. I had been thinking earlier in the day that nothing had gone wrong, surprisingly. Learning that we had no ticket I suggested we drive home. I was promptly met with a big fat "NO" from my sister. But it turned out we could make it home quicker and cheaper by car. So at 5:15 pm central time Grayson and I departed Memphis in a rented Oldsmobile Alero. I volunteered to drive the whole way. Coffee and Red Bull fueled my determination for the first ten hours. The final two hours involved me gripping the steering wheel, music blasting into my ears, and my eyes forced open Clockwork Orange style.

At 3:25 am I was lit up by one of Indiana's finest. I knew I was pushing my luck by driving over 80 in Indiana with it's fucking ridiculous 65 mph speed limit, but I decided it would be worth it cause I just wanted to get home. The officer was actually pretty nice, for a cop ya know. He only held me up for probably five minutes. He didn't take my license either, which apparently he's supposed to do if a Michigan driver is stopped in Indiana. I'm still pondering the logic of that.

We rolled in at 6 am, exhausted. My sister, proving her dedication, actually went to work on time and stayed all day. Mars Advertising is damn lucky to have such a dedicated employee. They should give her a raise!


Ok, so I got some cool shit this Christmas. Here are a few of my favorites:

- Hamilton Beach BrewStation
- Bodum French Coffee Press (I think I'm in love)
- French Sea Salt from Williams-Sonoma
- DKNY Speed Boots
- Converse All-Star Hi "I Robot" Leather
- Asics Top Seven
- Beautiful Losers: Contemporary Art and Street Culture (book)
- Sporty Analog-Digital Watch from Avon (Mammaw did good!)
- A-Z Subject Journal by Daisy Arts (for my incessent lists and notes)