love demands constant re-examination,
attention to the possibility of loss
and growth,
together and separate.
I refuse to define myself
through the lens of another
out of fear of doing it again.
and living life
living love
through fear of loss
fear of future.
angry at time moving too slow
when time just moves
when defined in minutes
in days
in years.
time stands still in fear
moves backwards when watched too closely
wound around love too tightly
suffocating growth
contributing to loss.
loss is not impossible.
I estimate its probability
rather than its possibility,
thinking in terms of
people lost
hoping, of course,
love will be different this time,
but probably not.
This isn't about her,
it is, unfortunately,
about me,
about patterns
and pain.
she understands
with pain,
through pain,
about pain.
I will not fail at honesty
therefore,
love demands constant reexamination,
attention to the possibility of loss. 

September 19, 2005