More on Trust
The down side to isolation is that I now lack experience in interpersonal relationships.
I came to accept that the behavior of others was an indication of how they felt
about me. Ignoring me meant I wasn't worth your time. Calling me selfish meant
you didn't understand me. And if I'm not worth your time and you don't understand
me the most logical thing for me to do is seclude myself.
So I did.
Now that I am trying to INclude myself I am struggling with the understanding that the behavior of others is about themselves, and not me. But because I come from a place of seclusion, the idea of behavior not about me means that one is not thinking about me. Further perpetuating worthlessness in the measure of one's time.
Trust is equivalent to jumping off a cliff into rocky, shark-infested waters with below depth caverns where elephant size octopi lurk. Dramatic? Indeed. If I don't die from the sheer impact of body on water, or body on rocks, or ravenous sharks, then surely I will drown in an underground cave unable to find my way out after having fended off mammoth squid.
And if I did survive, whose to say that exhaustion wouldn't do me in?
Read the above paragraph minus the dramatics and it comes down to trust as a matter of life and death.
God help the few who gain the trust of me.
April 21, 2006