getting by
carrying on
tolerating
no space to fall apart
full
of people
of love
of communication
overfilling
overflowing
I am
over this
over this flooding
this drowning
this denying myself
this punishing myself for desire based on a history I don’t understand
and a future I’m already paying for
this.
this right here
this anxiety
and thoughts of quiet
thoughts of retreat
of fleeing to some city park to surround myself in some sliver of the way things
used to be
cause this,
this is not how things used to be
and I can’t accept this as
supposed
to be
to be
to be?
what do I know about being?
when I have days
with trouble breathing
with inhaling
and exhaling
this numb life barely allows the filling of my lungs
who am I to claim love?
to deserve love?
when at the bottom of some lost dark hole is where I reside with strangers faces
becoming familiar around the rim of light so far away from me in this blink.
closer in this blink
and I blink to bring them closer
blink to turn the blur to sharp features
to details
more than outlines and profiles
but with every blink I am closing eyes
missing
the moment
of no sight
denying that sense
undeserving of any clarity
these moments escape
in the
just
out
of reach
atmosphere
they should be running.
I am a prison guard in the watchtower around the fence of my Self
run
cause all I want to do is lock you in
and I’ve been on this shift for too long
my hands are sweating with this rifle in my hands
my finger on the trigger
I am waiting
just
waiting
for floodlights and sirens
panic
and an excuse
to pump warning shots into a 3 a.m. sky
sniper trained and missing my target
cause really
I don’t want you to stick around
prison guards exist on mistrust,
on the expectation of escapees
and tonight I feel like quitting
like leaving my post for a stroll around the prison grounds
leaving an exit for all that choose to flee
and
an entrance
a gap in the razor wire
this walk is getting by
carrying on
tolerating the pain of loss, past losses
tolerating the pain of love, present loves
tolerating
this walk into my future
June 2005