Frustrated with trying to find the right words to convey this wrong.

Description is frozen in a solid block between mind and mouth. Part my lips and I see frosty breath filling space before sight. This block is barricading all expression behind a frigid wall of silence. If I don't create soon I will start to believe this burning passion to write won't melt the ice.

Passion - a new word in my vocabulary, a new concept in my mind.

I could bust through
like the fucking Kool-Aid Man,
but I always wondered
why he didn't break
if he was made of glass.
And if he was running
why wasn't he spilling
his red ass fucking Kool-Aid everywhere.

I'm too logical for this stupid metaphor. I've resorted to comparing myself to the Kool-Aid Man, a sure sign of my desperation.

Backspace Backspace Backspace

Passion - a new word in my vocabulary, a new concept in my mind. When I think of passion I think of heat, of desire, of love, of some untouchable, obsessive, driving force behind behavior and thought. A whirlwind of ideas and limbs and breath - energy focused and clear, pure as reality, wonderous as imagination.

Constantly in search of better, as in Better. But writing as passion is launching myself from one point high to one point low to one point backwards to one point that has not found ground yet. Better was yesterday, and today is still not good enough.

Passion is multi-dimensional - in geography, in time, in texture, in action, in thought. And I am just now holding it in my hand up to my eye for a closer look. It can't disappear now.

The swallow of emotion is enough when it is bordering on too much. Wanting to believe that words aren't meant to be found yet, feeling isn't meant to be articulated yet.

Fury.

Creation is in the moment before idea. From idea flows expression. And for me, from expression blinks eye, beats heart, breathes breath.

Creation. Expression. Function.

[I've certainly written better words than the ones above. Reminding myself of "process," and remembering what I consistently tell my 18-year-old, artist brother: "You gotta get through the bad shit to get to the good shit." Welcome to the bad shit. Welcome to the process.]


February 17, 2006